It’s a rainy Sunday here in NYC, and I have some time to reflect on the Lander Analytics RStatsNY conference I attended for the last few days. It was a whirlwind - tons of learning, laughs, shock and awe (redoc I’m looking at you), and of course a steady sprinkle of imposter syndrome and anxiety. I had an absolute blast, the survival analysis workshop was phenomenal and I’m already planning to trick my boss into sending me next year.

Initially I thought about doing a bit of a recap of the conference, but there are a hundred of those around (check out the twitter hashtag #rstatsnyc for some really great recaps) and I don’t have much to add on that front. But then I realized during breaks there was consistently about a quarter or so of us sitting in our chairs during the break.

Ah, the introvert zone.

So I figured it might be helpful to talk a bit about how to survive conferences when you’re travelling solo and not exactly a social butterfly.

I should qualify this a bit - I never really know if I fit the “introvert” category or not (although those that know me know I hate most attempts to label individuals). I feel like I have some of the characteristics - all of the hustle-and-bustle of a large conference like this can be very draining for me, I am generally content being solo and doing things alone, and I absolutely hate things like “networking” at large events where I don’t know anyone. It just makes me uncomfortable and I hate being the one to make the first move or start a conversation or any of that. But on the other hand, I’m very comfortable with public speaking no matter the crowd size (lectures of 100+ undergrads for years will help a ton with that), I’m super social if it’s a group where I know at least a few people, and I don’t have any problems talking to strangers as long as I don’t have to start the conversation.

Between my stint in academia, my time in the Philly beer scene, and my time in the workforce, I’ve been to tons of conferences. And as an introvert and a sociologist, I’ve happily observed others and noticed a series of patterns that seem to persist across fields.

A very scientific outline of social dynamics at conferences

If you watch people at a conference, you’ll notice there is general regrouping during breaks. We have our social butterflies; those that immediately jump up, head over to others, and strike up a conversation. Oh, to be you at a conference! You make it look effortless, and I admire you for that.

Then there’s the pre-existing groups - people who already kind of know each other or met at some point in the conference and just start talking about something after the break. They invariably attract social butterflies, as well as others who just overhear stuff and join in. The group itself isn’t necessarily full of more extroverted people, but they often create a little pocket of social activity that attracts others and grows. The pac-man rule often ensures this group grows, although of course you need to be feeling brave enough to walk over, which not all of us are.

Next we have the lurkers - I’m guessing these are the folks who tilt a bit more towards introvert, but are trying really hard to be social. They’ll go hover by people, listen to a snippit of a conversation, and hope they get adopted by either a pre-existing group or a social butterfly.

Finally, we have the overwhelmed introverts. You’ll find this group back in our seats, or in a corner, often buried in our phones, laptops, or any scrap of paper we can stare at for the next 30 minutes.

How introverts become social (ie the adoption process)

Introverts don’t typically stay isolated the entire conference. Many of us manage to get pulled into at least a few conversations. And in my experience, it generally relies on the kindness of a stranger. Sometimes, a social butterfly notices someone is kind of just wandering around (not yet an overwhelmed introvert, but maybe not actively lurking). The social butterfly will walk up, introduce themselves, and folks will talk for a bit (this happened to me several times on Friday). Sometimes the conversation will peter out, and the social butterfly will move on. Other times, the social butterfly will attract others and then you’ll be in a group! Congrats, you hit the jackpot!

Other times, if you’re lurking near a preexisting group, the group will notice you listening, and then become an active pac-man: rather than just letting you walk up and join them, they open up and absorb you. Sometimes it happens with no discussion; other times, someone on the edges says hi, introduces themselves, and then absorbs you into the group. Again, congrats! You’ve done it! You’re being social!

The introverts who are least likely to end up in these conversations are the ones who visibly give off signs that they’ve withdrawn. These are the folks on their phones or laptops (I’ve found technology to be the clearest signal that you do not wish to interact at a conference). Sometimes a social butterfly will catch them when they look up from their phone, or if they are just at their seat eating. But this group is often left to their own devices (unless a preexisting group forms in nearby seats, then sometimes you end up being absorbed by that group).

But what if I don’t want to be the Blanche DuBois of my conference?

Let’s face it - relying on the kindness of strangers is a crappy way to socialize at conferences. I’ve found it to be just as anxiety-inducing as being forced to strike up a conversation with someone else first. It’s kind of like reliving every middle school dance ever over again: standing on the sidelines, trying not to stare at anyone but desperately hoping someone asked you to dance but also not seeming desperate and also trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

No one has time for all that emotional labor, girl.

And that’s why we often end up back at our seats. We tried being the lurker, we felt too weird, so we scamper off to the safety of our phones (btw, what introverts did at conferences before cell phones baffles me).

This is where I started to up my observation game. And what I’ve noticed is that there are ways to game the system, because the social interaction of others isn’t just dependent on people, but on places! Take a look around next time and see where people gather at conferences. People gather near food, around tables, at bars, on couches. People converse with others in lines! Furthermore, some of these resources, like tables and cushy chairs, are limited, so if you can get to one first, you will almost always guarantee that someone else who wants to share your prime spot will come converse with you.

Gaming the system

I used all this information to create my general plan of attack:

  • Get to a conference early
    • If you’re one of the first ones there, you can get the lay of the land, which often dramatically reduces my anxiety. You also get your choice of spots, which as we know, can make a difference in your chances of socializing. Plus, I get first pick of the good aisle seats by power outlets.
  • Be strategic about where you go during breaks
    • Make a bee-line to places where people are social. I like to get up right at break and immediately go snag a high-top table. This is usually pretty easy because everyone else runs for food or bathrooms. Invariably, others will join you because it’s one person at the whole table, which definitely isn’t intimidating at all, and tables are often scarce at conferences.
    • If you’re in a food line, force interaction through manners! Hand a person or two behind you a plate; at the very least you get a thank you, and I have had people immediately follow that with “How are you liking the conference so far?” Ka-ching!
  • Put the phone down!
    • It’s tough, I get it. It’s a combination of a nervous habit and a security blanket, but it’s a pretty obvious signal that you want to be left alone if you’re on your phone while waiting in line, filling up on coffee, or grabbing a snack.
    • There are some exceptions here - if you grab a table quick, you can be on your phone until someone comes over. The lack of space and tables usually means someone will ask if they can join you regardless of your phone usage.

Basically, if you can get to spots early, and you choose those places strategically, then you put yourself in the way of other, more social folk. And rather than struggling to find a completely empty table, most social folk are more than happy to join you and strike up a conversation! SUCCESS!!

Implementation: A Case Study

Allow me to tell you a tale of a semi-quiet girl in a big city conference where she knows no one at all. She’s forced to face a tiny room full of hundreds of folks that all seem to know each other already - how will she ever survive?! By “tricking” people into being social with her.

I think the best example of this is how I ended up finding people to talk to for almost 3 hours at the happy hour after the last day of the conference. I was desperately tired, and mostly wanted a nap, but I hadn’t met as many new folks as I had hoped to (I really wanted to push myself and be a bit more social than normal). I left the conference immediately after it ended and went directly to the bar. There were maybe one or two other people there already. I didn’t want to sit at the bar itself (that can be a bit isolating - again, you want your chosen space in the room to mirror the pac-man principal as much as possible - people should have room to approach you, and your chosen space should welcome interaction so you don’t have to).

So instead, I sat at the corner spot along the front window, right by the door. I grabbed a drink, and before I could plug my phone in to charge, someone wandered in, recognized me from the conference, and struck up a conversation! (FYI she was totally a social butterfly - again, thank god for you folks). Within 15 minutes, someone else joined us. Then the whole table behind us filled in, so when the first two people that I was talking to left, I had a whole other group behind me that I could pivot around to. Look at me, networking away!

For me, the hardest part is getting a conversation started, but once I get going I’m golden. I can carry on conversations; I usually don’t mind chatting with people; I have exit strategies for weirdos. And I’ve found these tools to be really helpful in putting myself in positions where others will socialize with me first.

This sounds EXHAUSTING

GURL. It is. And here’s the great news: you don’t HAVE to be social at conferences. This is YOUR experience, don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. I generally try to push myself to do some socializing each day, but you also need some solo time to recharge those introvert batteries. So rock those cell phones and laptops as needed in these cases. Or get outside, go for a walk, wander around a nearby store. I’ve done all of these things, and they help me maintain my balance throughout the conference. Bottom line:

What if people realize I’m a fraud when they finally talk to me?

The imposter syndrome is SO. REAL. But ya know what? To some degree you got to fake it til you make it. Fake that confidence, tell people about all the cool stuff you did, and I guarantee there are other people sitting there feeling like an imposter because you are coming off so awesome.

Look, the fact of the matter is most of us worry about this at some point. But that’s the thing: MOST OF US ARE BUSY WORRYING! So no one has the time or energy to pick apart everything you are saying and then unmask you for the fraud you think you are, because we’re all worrying someone else will do that to us! Plus, in the R community, we all remember what it was like to be a beginner (hell, I’m still very much a beginner), and we’re all still constantly learning things. So even if you can’t get rid of the feeling that you’re an imposter, try not to let it get in the way of talking to others. We’re all just big nerds at the end of the day, and I can guarantee you are a million times better at this stuff than you think you are.

And if all else fails…

Be a speaker.

Wait, what now?

No, for real. If all else fails, be a speaker! I know this is easier said than done. And like I said in the beginning, I’m oddly comfortable speaking in front of large crowds on pretty much any topic. But it will guarantee people will come up and talk to you because they think you did something awesome! And they want to hear more about your work. And it helps that imposter syndrome when you hear other people saying they did something similar but got stuck along the way, or they were trying to figure out how to do that same thing, or just generally telling you how amazing your talk was. Look, it’s difficult, but the payoff is huge. And it’s worth trying out.

Also, I’m totally spewing off this advice as though I have ever presented at any R conference. Full disclosure, I have not (yet). But I have spoken at many other conferences and you instantly become a mini rock-star for the few minutes immediately after the talk. ESPECIALLY when there’s a “no question” policy at the conference (best policy ever BTW, although I haven’t come across issues with R crowds and those thinly veiled comment/questions that ever-so-slightly crush your soul). So take it into consideration, even if it’s a small talk at a local meetup.

Do I have to do this stuff?

Absolutely not. This is just stuff I do to force myself to be a bit more social. Because I know once I’m being social, I usually enjoy myself, meet cool people, and learn new things. The tough part for me is getting the ball rolling. But there are also conferences where I am more than happy to just coast along, ignore everyone, see the talks I want, and head out. And that’s a totally valid way to do conferences too! Do whatever makes you happy, don’t stress about what you “should” or “shouldn’t” do, and just enjoy yourself.